I wanted to be different yet feeling comfortable in my own skin was akin to being held hostage in a high speed chase. Desperately trying to hold on and play catch-up, I managed to defy the odds by continually searching, learning, reading the latest books, and talking to as many different people as possible. Such activities hardly paid the bills, but evidently God wasn’t finished with me yet.
But that was then. Now I felt so alive. Having felt that way before, joyous laughter was met with caution. Stopping was only the beginning. But had I really stopped when every thought, feeling, action and desire stung like hungry mosquitoes? Could the technology that went into creating insect repellant be reformulated to work internally as well? With a little bit of spiritual/psychic molecular tweaking I didn’t see why not. Just thinking about inventing my very own brand of Just Say Stop! brand of Off mosquito spray made me laugh. Granted there’d be more than mosquitoes in the ‘Deep Woods‘ of my being, but if my new brand also utilized the Universe as an active ingredient then maybe I’d stand a fighting chance? It made sense in a physical/spiritual sort of way.
Shaking Ajax’s hand, I thanked him for his valuable insights. He looked puzzled, but for once I let him own his feelings. Maybe one day he’d figure out for himself what he told me. I hoped so. He deserved it just like anyone trying to find their authentic selves did. With that I left. I had work to do.
Unlike my prior demonic voices, these ‘angelic’ voices held no malice for anyone or anything. “That’s it”, they said, “you made it; we knew you could do it!” Grinning from ear to ear and blushing, I felt like I’d won a lottery I couldn’t remember buying tickets for. Maybe it came when I signed up for this crazy journey, you know, one of the perks! Unlike most games though, reward was based on playing the game (where had I heard that before?) and not just winning. Was that what my friend had meant? With achievement being so subjective, I wasn’t about to question the wisdom of angelic beings?
Unlike the out of control acid trips and flashbacks of before, this new world seemed rather sound and stable. The main difference was even the most ordinary of people spoke words of such incredible love, wisdom and depth – without opening their mouths! Even more confusing, most were totally unaware of their true voice. If that wasn’t enough, outward appearances, possessions and the bling of the material world had little or nothing to do with it. In fact, it only served to hinder the process. Maybe Madonna wasn’t right and we weren’t simply ‘living in a material world and I wasn’t just a material boy‘!
But such thoughts would have to wait. Feeling the urge to move, I wanted to atone as best I could for my past misdeeds and where better to being than with my last place of work? By apologizing, I’d show them how much I truly respected them for putting up with me and my bullshit over the years. The voices instructed me to slow down and savor the moment, but I couldn’t. I was a man on a mission, alive and on fire with energy unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. And this time it wasn’t the false energy drugs induced, but that of the Universe itself. In a blinding flash, I was enjoying the thrill of the rush on the playground slide. It felt good until I reached the bottom and had to climb back up again. Then I was playing a game of Snakes and Ladders with others. It felt good to move up the ladders, yet depressing to slide down the slithery backs of the snakes. No wonder these reptiles got such a bad rep! Then it grew again becoming the three dimensional construct I recognized as life. I was playing the same childish game of Snakes and Ladders in an ever-increasing dimensional construct? Humbled by not being able to play the three-dimensional one with any level of success, I let go of trying to imagine four, five or n-dimensional ones.
Focusing in on the present, I set off revisiting those places I’d done bad things with the intent of re-balancing the energies and perhaps even undoing them. Although told it was unnecessary, it wasn’t about benefiting or capitalizing other than genuinely wanting to give back from my own sense of self and heart. Paying close attention to NA guidelines of safety for myself and others, I humbly spoke aloud my transgressions aloud asking for forgiveness. Unlike before when words were a convenient self-serving commodity, I now spoke wholeheartedly: heart, mind and soul perfectly aligned, not caring how foolish I looked. Fire leapt from my body like a blazing sun. I felt invincible, not in my usual arrogant and ignorant manner, but in a spiritually developed way.
I tried telling others, but they laughed like I’d permafried my brain. Yes I was high, but not on drugs. I was naturally high, spiritually high! Some I reached, but for the most part my words fell on deaf ears. I couldn’t blame them. In a world full of bad teachers, Pied Pipers, tele-evangelists and false prophets, they were simply learning what was real for themselves. Following orders had its purpose, but was not an end unto itself. There was another way that included, but was not restricted by this precept. Along the way a sign on a church spoke accordingly: God was not finished creating us. No matter what we took pride in, there was always more, much more! God needed us to evolve in order to fulfill His/Her/Its purposes, not just ours.
‘Hey Jude … don’t carry the world upon your shoulders….’
Who’d have ever thought that such a simple line from a beautiful Beatles song could have such far reaching effects? In trying to protect the needs of its citizens, society had made people with HIV solely responsible for the sexual behavior of everyone, not just themselves. I understood their fear, but taking way personal responsibility also disempowered people from their lessons.
From my inner sanctum, the world, planet, solar system and universe – everything was constructed with one purpose in mind – to get me. I felt like Truman Burbank, Jim Carrey’s character in the movie The Truman Show after his world had come undone. Alone and outcast I peered upon creation with contempt. Was I really that vile? Was I really that guilty?
Heart cracked open. A single ray of light penetrated the darkness. That was when I saw it! No matter how self-important I wanted to feel, even my ego couldn’t be that big. Feelings of relief, shame, pride in all their manifestations collided in a Big Bang moment. No, I wasn’t so important that everyone and everything in the entire known and unknown Universe needed to waste their time on me. With a smile, I turned and walked away a little more humble a hell of a lot more relieved.
© Michael J. Varma, The Gong Show, 2011 –
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