The Impossible Dream
excerpt as performed by
‘This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless,
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause’
Its haunting words resonated so deeply within my psyche. Song – that bastion of last defense when all hell broke loose. Thank God for song. Even if I didn’t play ‘the game’ by society’s rules, thank God I could still sing and do something with my voice besides curse.
But that was only one sense. One freed, other senses became alive. Sight relayed new rather than expected information to the brain. But what about those things my eyes hadn’t evolved to see? The sonar, ultraviolet, infrared and other sense senses yet to be discovered? What if there really did exist something, some being that utilized all sensory inputs and outputs? Was the keeper of all recorded experience, the Akashic Records, what we knew of as God?
If confirmation depended on past actions, then déjà vu was simply remembering paths once trodden. Now the question became had I taken this journey before or was it totally new? In the dimensions of being, the so-called ‘lower’ states were similar to the levels in David Hawkins’ map of consciousness as outlined in his book Power vs. Force. Marching into hell for a heavenly cause provided reason for the journey. And maybe if I used courage as a fulcrum, then willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace and enlightenment might also be attainable? But did it have to be linear?
In the ‘Blink‘ episode of Doctor Who, the Doctor stated that ‘people assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly…time-y wimey… stuff.‘ Maybe evolution wasn’t linear either, but a complex web of multi-dimensional experiences?
Resentments in the forms of envy and jealousy played themselves out over and over again until even I couldn’t stand them anymore. I hated not having. I hated others having. I even hated hating others having and me not having. But all I knew how to do was rebel. For some reason having, owning, possessing – whatever words it went by – didn’t sit right with me. How then could I be courageous without owning it?
Daily doses of lessons revealed a choice of seeing or pretending not to see. But pretense was weak and could not stand in the light of truth for long. Courage seeped in making me see the unseeable, hearing the unhearable, asking the unaskable….
Coming to terms with a tarnished reputation revealed homelessness to be like shopping down ‘no name’ aisles in ‘no name’ markets. But I had to start somewhere – and others were there too on the way up or on the way down. Whereas I used to think forgiveness, compassion, love and understanding were the staples of saints and celebrities, now they were available to each and every person in abundant supply if recognized. And unlike being drained by social interaction, now I became a catalyst that remained either unchanged or improved upon in the biochemical reaction of social interaction.
Sometimes it had to take something so shocking to shake the very foundations of our being. For me it was the constant confirmation that, regardless of whatever anyone else thought, felt or said, I was exactly where I supposed to be in order to get my needs met on the journey to that ‘unreachable star‘.
© Michael J. Varma, The Gong Show, 2011 –
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